The trouble with threats is this… they are only good short-term. Very very short term. The only way children learn to make good decisions is if they learn to think about their decisions.
Threats are a parents way of trying to solve problems ourselves. Instead of giving our children the chance to make their own choices and live with the results, we take control. In fact, when we become angry moms we prevent our children from thinking about their own choices and its consequences. The time when our little ones need to have a consequence for their poor choice is now.
Not later on. They respond to actual boundaries. In our noble effort to teach good decision making we delay or threaten consequences. Even if your husband is the stronger disciplinarian, waiting until he comes home to address a negative behavior will not have its desired effect.
Even as a child he knew that meant he might get in trouble at night… but he had all day to do what he wanted. This is communicating the wrong message. This is saying to your child that their behavior is making you do all kinds of mean or uncomfortable things. Calm moms know that when a children acts in a negative way, it should become their own problem. We parents love to threaten so our kids avoid consequences. This is loving discipline.
But you can help your children learn to make good choices by giving them clear consequences for their choices. Not so anymore. If things get too overwhelming, she gets sent to quiet time. Amybeth, it sounds like an exhausting situation for you doing things one way in your own home then having them done differently elsewhere.
If she's been cooped up all day and really needs a chance to unwind, for instance, it's not a good idea to take her to a restaurant where she has to sit still. It isn't one or two threats but your everyday approach to your preschooler that matters most.
If you're always on a tirade and critical, you're wasting chances to have gratifying interactions with her. You're faced with many challenges as a parent, but if you handle them gracefully, the majority of your interactions with your child will be positive ones. Before a threat escapes you lips, see alternative discipline and behavior management tips. BabyCenter's editorial team is committed to providing the most helpful and trustworthy pregnancy and parenting information in the world.
When creating and updating content, we rely on credible sources: respected health organizations, professional groups of doctors and other experts, and published studies in peer-reviewed journals. We believe you should always know the source of the information you're seeing. Learn more about our editorial and medical review policies. Facts for families: Discipline. What you can do to change your child's behavior.
American Academy of Family Physicians. Disciplining your child. American Academy of Pediatrics. Positive parenting: How to encourage good behavior. Nemours Foundation. Nine steps to more effective parenting. Am I 'too tough' when I discipline my kids?
Join now to personalize. Photo credit: iStock. Give choices Follow through Admit mistakes Set clear expectations Keep cool, think positive Know your child's limits. Give choices The biggest problem with threats is that they tatter self-esteem and inspire fear or rebellion. Follow through Threats are often too extreme or inconvenient and therefore impossible to execute.
Admit mistakes Threats have a way of sneaking up on you. But after a moment, Ripple thought better of her threat. Set clear expectations Grocery trips are, of course, a classic stress-builder for parents, and threats fill the aisles like soup cans. Keep cool, think positive Staying calm and confident might sound like a tall order, but it can make a big difference. Know your child's limits Sometimes the best-laid plans fail miserably. Sources BabyCenter's editorial team is committed to providing the most helpful and trustworthy pregnancy and parenting information in the world.
Darienne Hosley Stewart. Featured video. Alternatives to threats ages 2 to 4. Arts and crafts storage solutions. What to do when time-outs don't work ages 3 to 4. Fun activities to promote listening skills.
Time-outs: How to make them work age 2. At three-and-a-half, it might be hit or miss sometimes. Sometimes they might not be able to settle down. But first I want to talk about the nitty gritty boundary setting. As a people pleaser myself, this was a huge, steep learning curve for me to realize, first of all, how unloving I was being trying to avoid upsetting my children, and how much more loving it was to be what I had considered this bad guy, where I did things that I know were against what they wanted or I help them stop doing things or I said no to things or I insisted upon things where I had the power to insist — again, that first category of behaviors.
But I could only learn this by practicing it: facing the music, setting the limit in a direct, honest way. It is one of the highest forms of love to set boundaries. We can only learn this by experiencing it. I cared enough to do these hard things and my child knows that. And I even sense my child getting to settle into their role in the family, not as the other person on the end of manipulation, going back and forth and trying to work against each other and see if I can get you to do this and get you to do that.
There was a great quote going around. We were going to be rejected. We were maybe going to be yelled at or punished. It was scary. So, we pleased. But a whole lot of shame and insecurity came along with that. Trying to get out of a cycle? But it will free her, and it will free her son. We get ourselves stuck in this bribe thing. She can get out of this trap. Just take little baby steps out, and be honest, and know that feelings are healing and healthy. And the boundaries we give our children that they react to are a gift.
You accept less at those times. You keep it light, you keep it polite — on their team. Could you help me out here? But they come out of us sharing ourselves with our child so they do bring us closer. Maybe you could help me put some stuff over there in that box. Could you please?
Because I want to get lunch ready. And then we can feel good afterwards. We can approach boundaries in a way that makes us feel stronger and better and closer to our children and vice versa. As a matter of fact, you can get a free audio copy of either book at Audible by following the LINK in the liner notes of this podcast or in the transcript on my website janetlansbury. Stay up-to-date with newly posted articles, podcasts and news.
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